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5 Things Every Stripper Should do Every Morning*

Jacq

*And by morning I really mean afternoon.


Forbes Woman wrote this insanely boring article that makes me really happy and grateful for the career path I have chosen for myself. Don't get me wrong - I'm totally into following and 'liking' Forbes Woman on Twitter! It's just that a lot of it doesn't apply to me, in spite of identifying as a bad-ass working girl in this great city of New York.



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So I've crafted a more Demi-Moore-friendly version of what I think every hustler needs to do when she peels her peepers open at the crack of two o'clock:


1. Hydrate

Even if Management does water down the drinks for a) your own personal health or b) the deep deep pockets of the Establishment, you are probably dehydrated from hustling on your feet, in heels, for at least 8 hours. You may or may not be hungover. You may or may not know what the difference is anymore.

My club doesn't serve drinkable water that's readily available and free of charge. This, like many things at my club, is illegal. But I want to go on living without being tethered to a cinder block and dropped in the East River so I've resigned myself to writing passive-aggressive blog posts about it instead.

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Totally jealous that this babe has a water cooler in her place of work.


2. Stretch


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I don't know about y'all, but every morning after a long night of twerking and shaking my finger in the face of drunk men, telling them "NO TOUCHING" like I'm their mother at a goddamn children's museum, I can't feel my legs. I'm whipped. My feet hurt, and my quads are tight from trotting around in six-inch platform heels and doing periodic squats (read: a lap dance).

I've found that the best remedy is to stand up tall, bend forward, and hang my head as I reach for my toes. And then do the Happy Baby pose, or the more interesting version of that, pictured above.

And since we never like making appointments or going anywhere on time, there is no fucking way we are ever going make that 4pm yoga class. So get your shavasana on in your living room!

Bonus: For the business-minded-even-in-her-downtime hustler, make a video to sell for a few extra buck$.

 

 

3. Re-count your money.

Everyone loves to do this. It feels good.  Money is sexy.

 

3.1 Wash your hands
3.2  Masturbate

 

4. Write down anything and everything you remember from the previous night. This shit is GOLD, ladies. You will want to tell your grandkids these stories. Plus there are just so many gems that if you don't write them down on a daily basis you will surely not remember them all. POSTERITY IS PRICELESS.

 

 

5. Go back to bed.

 

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