It's time to exercise your critical thinking skills in this would-you-rather / choose-your-own-adventure edition of GET NAKED 4 CASH MONEY!
You're about to give a lap dance. There are three chairs set in front of you, with a different person in each one. You must pick one individual and give them a lap dance.
Your choices are:
a) Ann Coulter, horny as all hell, writhing in her crimson pencil skirt. She is breathing so heavily you can hear residual GOP speeches wafting from her mouth as you sway to the beat of The Star Spangled Banner - Pit Bull Remix.
b) Gary Busey. You know how guys try so hard to cover their teeth (whether intentionally or not) when they are making their O-face? Obviously Gary Busey is having a really hard time at this for the entirety of the dance.
Note: He already tipped the DJ with a key bump of shitty blow to ensure you'll be grooving to Stairway To Heaven. (For uneducated and potentially underage readers, that's an eight-minute song)
c) Dawson Leery c. Season 1 of Dawson's Creek. His cargo khakis are pitching a sixteen-year-old boner and Dawson is trying to cover it up by engaging you in discourse about what it means to be a beautiful woman. Then he waxes poetic about his best friend Joey, who he says is "the most beautiful human being in the universe" as he quizzically inspects your stretch marks.
HAVE A LONG, HARD THINK.
Behold your Fate:
If you chose A) Ann Coulter: Ann berates you for not dancing to her favourtie song.
Ann says, "This is America and if the services are not to my satisfaction I do not have to pay you." You try to reason with her, then get security to try to muscle the twenty bucks out of her, yet still she refuses to pay. As she's walking away you call her "A Liberal who thinks lap dances are handouts." Ann's head explodes.
If you chose B) Gary Busey: You pass out at the six-minute mark because you'd rather forfeit the twenty bucks than get spit on any more. Gary thinks you fainted because of his charming pelvic gyrations. He is there hovering over you when you wake up with a Kay Jewelers promise ring.
If you chose C) Dawson Leery: You tell him to shut the fuck up after he asks about your tramp stamp. Dawson obeys your command. At the end, he asks "how much is a dance?" to which you reply "$100." The impressionable little guy forks over the cash, asking, "Does that include the tip?" You tell him, "No." He palms you another twenty, saying, "Thank you for listening."