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Reading the Signs: How to Know if Your Child Will Grow Up to be a Stripper

Jacq

 

There are mornings when I look around my boudoir: brocade, Perrier, and one dollar bills scattered about... and I wonder: How did I get here?  For the sake of the next two hundred words or so, I'm going to believe in Destiny - a great stripper name, btw - and say that She brought me here.
 

It is obviously my Destiny to be a Stripper. It just IS. Is it yours? That question is for another day. Today we are talking about your child.
 

Will they grow up to be enterprisingly naked?

Certainly you're thinking, "absolutely NOT. She is going to be an astronaut, organic farmer or legendary filibuster."

At this point I will correct you and tell you that she can do all that shit, not excluding stripping.

And then I will show you that this cherub:
 

Jacq The Stripper, Left. c. 1989

Jacq The Stripper, Left. c. 1989

became this undeniably money hungry slut-tease:

Jacq performs a head-dance before fully realizing how bankable this type of dancing can be.

Jacq performs a head-dance before fully realizing how bankable this type of dancing can be.

But HOW?

I've broken it down to help you understand.

What follows are 11 signs to alert you to the fact that your kid is going to be a self-possessed person of partial-to-full nudity, radness, and riches:

1. ETERNAL COSTUMING
He likes to play dress-up. Every day is an opportunity to take on a new character. Plus, my mother always told me that 'being weird' was 'character-building.'
 

2. SHE HATES HIGH SCHOOL
She hates high school because everyone is stupid and there is a whole WORLD out there for her to explore. She gets straight A's so she can fast track through all the kegger horseshit and move to a big city that is not the nearest city. There, she knows, is where she will be able to be herself.
*If your son or daughter is popular, don't worry, they will probably NOT become strippers. People concerned with what others think of them rarely do anything ambitious, controversial or fun.


3. OVER/UNDER/INAPPROPRIATELY OUTFITTED:
She works out in a tube dress.

ERGO: 4. ATHLETICISM
She is athletic and disciplined. She will correct you when you confuse athleticism with sportsmanship. She hates team sports because everyone else is incompetent and rules are stupid and used to organize plebeians.

5. MODERATE TALENT AND SERIOUS DREAMS
He always wanted to be a pop-star, an actor, or on any sort of on-camera personality... he tried the debate team, for fuck's sake... but he has no musical talent. Rhythm, yes. Star quality? Maybe not.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" - Jacq c 2007

"What am I supposed to do with this?" - Jacq c 2007

6. HUSTLE
He makes six dollars a day as a bad-ass pole-dancing subway performer and wants to buy you something special for your birthday.


7. KEEN INTEREST IN FINE ART

He applies makeup differently each time he applies it, from the age of five to twenty.
 

Notice the emerging duck face.

Notice the emerging duck face.

8. BIRTHDAYS
She elects not to wear clothes as often as possible. This can mean joining the swim team or signing up as a life drawing model or running around the suburbs in Crocs and her birthday suit.

She loves her birthday. Because it's HER day. Not like every day isn't already HER DAY.
 

9. BOOBS on the TUBE
She watches MTV or whatever the fuck is the modern equivalent to that Britney/Christina c. 1999 24/7 remix of acutely choreographed, brilliant sluttery.
 

10. Ms. Dress Up

Costume parties. Dress-up. Did I mention costume parties? Kid's always dressing up in weird shit. She tries to get others into it but they lack the imagination and conviction.

Jacq as Patsy Stone, on her her many fictional idols.

Jacq as Patsy Stone, on her her many fictional idols.

Jacq as a Pirate Wench. This costume was obviously put upon her.

Jacq as a Pirate Wench. This costume was obviously put upon her.

11. MR. SCROOGE
When you give him his weekly allowance, he spends more time counting it than ever considering on what he might spend it.

*

You're going to grow up to love your ugly little munchkin no matter what makes them happy. So just go ahead right now and give that little turd a middle name she can aspire to: Anna Nicole.

Or Dita. Dita also totally works.
 

So does Channing or Tatum (both totally weird names but... the prestige)

Best of luck with your ankle-biter. Love them unconditionally and ALWAYS tell them if there is lipstick on his teeth or TP on her shoe.
 

You always knew you wanted to be a stage parent ;)