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So You Want to Be a Stripper… Step 2: 'Dancing'

Jacq

Photo by Lorenzo Fariello 

Photo by Lorenzo Fariello 

You’re at your audition. You made it past the bouncer and you’re inside! Congratulations!

A rotund manager in a cheap suit stands in a dark corner while you step onstage. He or she (but let’s be real - 99% of strip clubs are staffed by dicks) has instructed you to “dance for a bit, then take your dress off.”

Although it sounds elusive, these are very. specific. instructions.

“DANCE”

This is where you learn that stripping has very little to do with ‘dancing.’

However slow you think you’re dancing, move SLOWER. You don’t have to do much to impress a man at a strip club. You’ve already done the hardest part: You showed up. A naked woman  - in heels, no less -  can really do no wrong. Knowing this, and knowing that you have to dance for the next six or seven hours, AND that you have to look good doing it, do not waste one iota of energy trying to dance with reckless abandon. EVERYONE is watching. You can’t look like a maniac; you have to look like an expensive and sanctimonious Goddess. And dancing in a strip club is nothing like ACTUAL dancing, whether it’s ballet, jazz, hip-hop, or that weird and amazing ravey shit you do when you’re rolling on MDMA and listening to Dubstep. “Dancing” from hereon out is to be understood as moving your naked body from one flattering and slutty pose to the next. Like vogue-ing, only S L O W E R, and less creative.

Peel off the dress, show the prized bits that you are legally allowed to show (know the rules beforehand… I took off my panties and showed my labia to a Japanese tour group before the DJ said over the sound system, “please put your panties back on.”) and sway around like you’re super horny but also, like, on Xanax.

“FOR a BIT”

If you have not performed the aforementioned steps in under 30 seconds, the manager will likely grow impatient, which could lessen your chances of being hired.

Disclaimer: There are clubs that are dancing-focused. I’ve worked at 15 clubs or so, and 3 of these clubs were brimming with dope-ass stage shows and generous tippers (one of these clubs boasts a tipping culture where clients throw Loonies at your vagina in an effort to win prizes!). If you worry that you’re not a very good dancer, stop. Start fretting over how good you are at drinking and bullshit and asking for money.