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How to be a Dope-Ass Lady Patron at a Strip Club

Jacq

Long before I became a stripper, I went to a strip club. I judged everyone, didn't bring any money, and assumed that all the girls hated me because I was pretty and modestly dressed and therefore getting all the attention. I was profoundly misinformed. I was the Worst Kind of Asshole. 

Anna Merlan of Jezebel just published a very long email that was intended for a group of babes to read before they headed off to see the rippers. It made some good points, but holy hell was it ever long-winded, and ringing a bit too much to a tone I remember so well as "omg they are all looking at us cuz we're hot civilians." 

I've cut several thousand words and made some adjustments: 

 

How to be a Dope-Ass Lady Patron at a Strip Club:

 

Look hot. You're going to feel a lot more confident if you're feeling like the 11 that you are. This will make you not act like an insecure douche (which, goddess bless you, you are wont to do). My colleague, Bunny, "get[s] dressed up to go to fucking Hooters." Fact: women are nicer when we feel fly as fuck. 

Wear pants. I can't dance for you in a tiny bandage dress while your legs are crossed. And, in spite of my penchant or pussy, steamy vagina dances are awkward.  If you want a dry hump, get ready to man-spread those gams! 

Bring cash. Lots of it. If you don't have a lot of cash, have a good time while you can afford to. When you run out of money, you become a gawker.  We promise to resent you for this. 

Before you get a lap dance, look around. Are the men who are receiving lap dances touching the dancers? If they are not, that means YOU ARE ALSO SUBJECT TO THE SAME RULES AND RESTRICTIONS. (lady patrons are profoundly entitled with their groping hands. In my 4 years of dancing, I've been smacked on the ass (without consent) by women more than I have by men. This always makes me sad.)

Buy dances for your friends! It's a great ice-breaker and absolves the recipient of any sort of guilt surrounding the fact that she's paying for totally legitimate entertainment (like a play or a concert but smelling like, way better) .

Things to avoid:

As much as you want to, do not get up on stage. Come and audition later like everyone else. 

Things to remember: 

Our job isn't gross and we don't hate it or the men who walk through the doors. We hate rude, entitled, stingy people who don't respect our time or hustle.

 It's easy to have a good time with the rippers. It's not easy if you're poor. It just isn't. 

COME ONE, COME ALL, LADIES! LET'S MAKE STRIP CLUBS LESS BONER-CENTRIC.