This morning I received a text message from my sister:
When I first started dancing in New York, I was examining my blemished posterior in the mirror and lamented, “Why do I suddenly have all these BUTT PIMPLES?”
Bunny - my favourite Long Island princess - flicked her perfectly highlighted hair over a shoulder and said, “It’s from rubbing up on men’s dirty pants all the time.”
I never got ass-ne when ripping all across the Australian Outback. Lap dances down under are more about pussy-gazing while American ones are merely topless and therefore extra grind-y.
Lest we be reminded:
TO BE A STRIPPER IS TO BE IN CONSTANT CONTACT WITH FILTH.
So how do we remedy this?
1. Make men learn how to do their laundry. Use force if necessary. Refuse to date, interact or cavort with a bro who does not know how (or is too lazy) to perform the most basic and routine practice of sanitation. See that pudding stain on his bedspread? See how it’s still there the next time you sleep over two weeks later? BOX THE MOTHERFUCKER’S EARS, WALK HIM TO THE LAUNDROMAT, AND WATCH HIS SNIFFLY BITCH-ASS POUR SOME TIDE OVER THE JEANS HE HASN’T WASHED SINCE HE VISITED HIS MOM OVER EASTER.
2. I’m not much of a god-fearing woman, but for Step 2 let’s pretend that I am:
LEVITICUS 19:19 "Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.”
I LOVE ME SOME JEGGINGS BUT IF YOU WANT A PRISTINE ASS CHEEK THOU SHALL ONLY COVER THY BOOTIE IN COTTON FRESHIES.
3. Never sit on anything made of pleather.
“BUT EVERYTHING IS MADE OF PLEATHER, JACQ!” - Every stripper everywhere
I know. So stop sitting down and only stand and/or lean on things (poles, walls, people, pole). This is, after all, what strippers do. We lean. I swear Sheryl Sandberg went to a strip club and was like “These women are so powerful. I am deeply inspired by them… look at that woman pressing her entire body weight into that tired old man’s chest… he’s going to empty his pockets on her…. You know what? I’m going to call my book LEAN IN.”
4. SEPHORA-SANDPAPER THAT SHIT.
You know what pimples hate? Aggressive exfoliation. Take that brillo pad from under the kitchen sink and go to town on your badonk. Sure you might draw some blood, but a beauty battle wound is far less embarrassing than a goiter of puss that, in the right lighting, might pass for herpes.
5. Bitch-slap any fuck boi who doesn’t know to separate a red sock from a pile of white t-shirts.
And there you have it. Eliminate ass pimples in just five easy steps.