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The Beaver Show Tour Diary: Montreal (Part 1)

Jacq

Montreal is always a blur to me. 

You know when you're a child or a puppy (or me) and you're so excited that you just pee all over the place? Well I had a great time sprinkling all over my favorite city in the world for the last three days. 

IT ALL BEGAN with Danielle getting up early to make me breakfast and a LADY uber driver picking me up! 

PATRIARCHY: 0

GIRL POWER: 1 

I rolled in to town solo, bought some cheese and wine and waited for the arrival of the baddest bitches on the planet:

Mallory Bey - the most Canadian person in the history of humanity - and my best friend: 

Rachel Green is a comedy queen from New York City. We met in the joke scene, and upon realizing that she has more sticky-situation-stories than anyone I've ever met, I knew she was my soul sister:

It is worth noting that Rachel Green has glorious tits and even more glorious jokes about them. 

It is worth noting that Rachel Green has glorious tits and even more glorious jokes about them. 

While I was rehearsing my set, Mal took this wildly unflattering photo:

Mal, Rachel and I marched through the snow to Chez Serge, my favorite bar in the world. It's where I worked, learned how to funnel a beer, and became a Habs fan. It's an important place that you need to visit if you're ever in Montreal. Drink the beer, ride the bull and lick the floor because you probably need to boost your immune system and stop using so much hand santizer. 

Paulo Branco, left, owner of Chez Serge and Bar King of the 514. 

Paulo Branco, left, owner of Chez Serge and Bar King of the 514. 

I told jokes! People LAUGHED. A man in the audience asked if my opinion on men had changed because WELL AREN'T ALL MEN HOPEFUL THAT THEY AREN'T PERCEIVED AS THE PIECES OF SHIT THEY CHOOSE TO BE MOST OF THE TIME. (Shoutout to those men who work very hard on overcoming your p.o.s.iness. You have been acknowledged. Now stop telling me NOT ALL MEN and fix your brethren.) 

I signed BOOKS for FANS (I'm still freaking out when people identify as fans) who, when I said, "let's take picture," IMMEDIATELY RIPPED OFF THEIR SHIRTS IN HEARTWARMING UNISON. 

These boys are the best. 

These boys are the best. 

Hotties posed at the merch table! 

Then I got really drunk and stoned and woke up the next morning with a supreme hangover that only six kilos of bread and cheese could cure (not pictured).

We did some Biore face strips because who doesn't love inspecting their own blackheads?

Rachel enjoyed her strips with a glass of Malbec because she's classy like that. 

Meanwhile, Jacq got her strips so wet that they never dried. Like a soggy band-aid, she peeled them off and wept as the blackheads remained on her nose and chin. 

Other things happened and I'm really hoping I find the polaroids that may or may not still be in Mal's car.